I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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