i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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