do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
