In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
