Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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