Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
