you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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