It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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