Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
im holly from the hills drunk
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
