I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
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I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
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I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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