I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
