That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
