I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
