sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
