like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
