you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
