You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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