I wish my penis had an off switch
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
