Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
