Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
