bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
