its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
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you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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