Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
