She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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