i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
