Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
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They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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