I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
