if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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