Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dating After Heartbreak
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"