Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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