sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
