I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
