i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
someone owes me an orgasm
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
