They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Less talking, more tequila
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
