walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
