I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
