you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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