True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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