im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
