I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
