***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
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He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
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This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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