Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You can't just leave with hair like that
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
