i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
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That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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