I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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