Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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