You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
