We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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