so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
