My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
