Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize