The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
my poor anus
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
