I hate your face
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
