I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
