I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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